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Months, years, or even decades after a breakup, it’s not uncommon to wonder: Should I give it another shot with my ex? Maybe you’ve been reminiscing about the good times, or perhaps you never quite stopped thinking about them. Whatever the reason, the pull to rekindle a past relationship can be powerful — but is it actually a good idea?
According to Laura F. Dabney, MD, a psychiatrist who specializes in relationships, that sense of familiarity can be comforting. “It’s easier to go back to someone you already know than face the unknown,” she says. “And when there’s still attraction, that hope of making it work again can feel incredibly tempting.”
Bonnie Scott, LPC, a therapist based in San Antonio, agrees. “Breakups are hard to grieve,” she explains. “When you reconnect with an ex, you can temporarily avoid the pain of loss. It’s like pressing pause on the heartbreak.”
Science even backs that up. Studies show that people who aren’t currently satisfied—emotionally or physically—are more likely to crave past partners. And our brains play a part too: thinking about someone we’ve loved lights up the same reward centers that activate when we’re happy in love. In other words, nostalgia can be intoxicating.
Still, just because the chemistry is strong doesn’t mean the relationship will be healthy the second time around. Before diving back in, mental health experts recommend asking yourself a few key questions.
1. Are There Serious Red Flags?
Before you romanticize the reunion, take a hard look at any major issues that existed before. Were there addictions, abuse, financial chaos, or psychological instability?
“These are not problems love alone can fix,” Dr. Dabney warns. “They require professional help and significant time to heal.” Reentering a relationship with unresolved red flags can end up hurting you emotionally — and even physically.
2. Why Did You Break Up?
It might sound obvious, but the reason you split matters. Was it due to circumstances like timing or distance, or was it because your needs weren’t being met? If the breakup stemmed from toxic dynamics or deal-breaker behavior, those issues need to be fully addressed before you even think about reconciling.
3. What Do You Actually Want From a Relationship?
Sometimes we get so focused on whether our ex wants us that we forget to ask what we want. “Many people try to mold themselves into what they think a partner wants,” says Dr. Dabney. “But long-term happiness depends on identifying what’s truly fulfilling for you.”
Write down your nonnegotiables — emotional support, respect, trust, or shared values — and see if your ex aligns with them now.
4. Can You Have Honest, Productive Conversations?
If you’re considering getting back together, communication is everything. Talk openly about what went wrong, what you both need now, and how you’ll handle conflict differently this time.
As Dr. Dabney puts it, “Both people should walk away from that conversation knowing what they’ll do differently to make it work.”
5. Are You Both Willing to Change?
Real reconciliation takes effort. “If neither of you is ready to address the behaviors that caused problems before, you’re likely to repeat the same painful patterns,” says Scott.
Ask yourself — and your ex — how each of you plans to grow. Be specific: Does that mean setting boundaries, attending therapy, or learning to communicate better?
6. Why Does This Relationship Matter So Much to You?
It’s easy to confuse longing with love. Scott encourages her clients to think deeply about why they want to reunite. Is it genuine connection and shared goals, or simply fear of being alone? If it’s the latter, that’s a sign you may need healing, not reconciliation.
7. What’s Driving the Reunion?
Finally, check your motivations — and theirs. Are you both seeking true partnership, or just comfort and familiarity? If the desire to reconnect is rooted in loneliness, status, or convenience, the relationship probably won’t last. Authentic love requires two people equally committed to doing the work.
Getting back with an ex isn’t automatically a bad idea — but it’s not something to rush into. Reflect on why you broke up, what’s changed, and whether you’re both ready to build something new instead of replaying the past.
Sometimes, love deserves a second chance. Other times, walking away again is the healthiest choice of all.
Either way, take your time. The right decision will never require you to lose yourself to make it work.
